TW: This post deals with depression and suicidal ideation.
This is the hardest post to write. I do so in the hope that anyone who feels the way I did knows you are not alone.
A bit of background - I developed Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) in January 2018 and was retraumatised in August of the same year. I am legally not allowed to discuss these events, but they concerned a death that I couldn't prevent and one that I did. Prior to and following the events in August, I had been knocking on every door possible to gain access to counselling. For one reason or another barriers were erected institutionally and I was unable to raise the finances to pay for this privately. This culminated into a state of utter despair and the depression plummeted to such depths that I made plans to take my own life. There wasn't one single happenstance I can remember that changed my mind, but I didn't follow through and eventually was given access to counselling in the October.
The reason I am sharing this with you, is because there is evidence that suggests the brain goes through fundamental changes as a result of trauma. The sudden onset of hearing loss and the way I now perceived the world was heightened as a result of the changes made to my brain from these experiences. I've spoken before about the fact that my life had just started being a really happy one too. I felt as though the universe was trying to tell me that I don't deserve to be happy and the deafness/tinnitus was punishment for believing that I could be. This sound rather melodramatic, but it is genuinely how I felt. There was something else too, that still pops into my head, uninvited, on bad days - the only time I will ever experience silence again is in death.
Being in my late 30s, I have a lot of life left to live. I may not have even lived half of my life span yet. How on earth can I live with, what I could could only describe as mental torture back then, for the remainder of my life? Will it drive me insane? How can I enjoy the things I used to, like reading, in peace and quiet? I describe these feelings like a vortex - once they are in my mind they go round and round, spiraling down, making it harder to see the light. The back end of 2019 and the first couple of weeks of the new year were the hardest. The vortex would take hold on a regular basis and I found myself thinking, at least once a day, that I couldn't live my life like this and wanted it all to end. I wouldn't say that I was actively suicidal, but suicidal thoughts were never far from my mind. It's almost impossible to talk about how you feel when these you're in this state. You don't want to worry people, be a burden, but I knew it was the only way to make it through. I called the Samaritans spoke to my partner, family and friends and made it through that particularly rough time. I still feel like this on occasion, but they are just occasions. I know that the support of those close to me as well as those on the end of a phone can help me through those days, and I am so grateful to them all.
Samaritans - Tel: 116 123
24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.
You are so brave talking about this and I'm sure anyone going through similar difficulties will be comforted by your blog. You were strong enough to seek help and support through your friends and services of support - which is the best thing anyone can do. You should feel very proud of your strength. Big hugs x
ReplyDeleteThank you Kelly. I'm very grateful for the people who loaned me their strength when mine was depleted. I'm in a much better place which allows me to write this and hope that it provides some support to someone, somewhere x
DeleteThank you so much for allowing me the privilege to read about your experience Naomi x
ReplyDeleteThank you for reading. I really hope that people who may have felt this way have comfort in knowing they are not alone.
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