So peaceful until....

Whenever you say to someone that you have tinnitus, the most common response is "oh, I have that".  While most mean well with that comment, they don't truly get what I mean.  They may have had a ringing in the ears after coming out of a club or a a gig, or get the occasional bout, for reasons unknown every now and then.  They may even have it more permanently, but at low levels that don't bother them. 

When I say I have tinnitus, I mean that I am aware of a persistent noise, within my head, at all hours of the day.  The only peace I get is in sleep, which at first, was hard to come by.  If you haven't made the connection yet to the rather witty (if I do say so myself) name of this blog and the sound which I hear, the reference to static is the one constant in my hearing. I have discussed before the differing sounds which I hear, which are often heard in unison with the white noise, and the change in pitch and tone, with no obvious trigger.  Some people call these "spikes", I like to think of them as crescendos, like in music.   Only these occur in a far more impetuous manner than a slow build, such as in classical music.  They are more akin to the crazy outbursts, like in today's song choice, with no warning and disappear just as quickly. 

Silence has always been something I've never been comfortable with, in company or when by myself.  In public, I would find silence awkward and feel the need to fill the space.  This is still true today.  Being alone and in silence was more of a problem.  It allowed me to hear my own, self-deprecating thoughts, allow my rather wild imagination to run rampant and amplify every creak, clang and clatter that an old house and neighbours make.  I would always have the TV or radio on to mask these sounds and drown out my own inner voice.

Now, I find I don't have a minute to hear myself think.  There is no such thing as peace and quiet in my world.  I sit with this every minute, of every hour, of every day.  I squandered the joy of silence.  Those moments in which I was comfortable in it, such as reading a book, meditating, or simply turning off the radio to concentrate on fitting in the tightest of parking spaces are gone forever.  There is still no cure for tinnitus and it is estimated that 1 in every 8 people are living with the condition.  

What I wouldn't give to get the silence back.